So, I am going to Katie’s birthday party tomorrow. This is not something new, but it may possibly be terrible. Katie invited Kailyn, who I really like, but she is Jillyan’s best friend so there goes any late night bitch sessions. But also, I wonder how much shit Jillyan has told Kailyn about me? She has always been civil and polite, if not nicer than that to me. However, we have never spent an extensive period of time together, so this will be.. interesting. I’m kind of excited to get to know her, we were friends before everything, and it would mean alot to me to make a good impression. Also, Andrew looked at me in the hall today and smiled. I did too. I am overreacting. Hopefully that topic does not come up tomorrow, especially with Kailyn there. I would actually die.
Passive-Aggressive
There are two weeks of school left. If I can make it, I’ll be free. Once I get out of this shit hole, I can go to camp and meet a hot guy, and live a hot life, and get tan, and be popular, and not hate my life. Okay, so Shelby keeps passively aggressively bringing up Andrew in every day conversations, like just so she can talk about him even though I have made it pretty obvious that I wasn’t comfortable talking about the subject. Today she brought up how the other day, he called her seven times and she kept blowing him off and then fake picking up. Like girl, let me tell you, you should not be telling me this. I made a point about how I wished I could talk to him more, and then you talk about how you rejected him..? And she also keeps telling me about how ugly he’s getting, and how she no longer regrets not getting back together with him because he is ugly now and gets worse every day. Like, I’m sorry, but who the fuck says that? Especially considering my emotionally fragile state? I don’t know exactly where she is going with all of this, but I can promise you I am not looking forward to finding out.
I don’t know what i expected
I don’t know what I expected, but basically instagram is so fucking clogged with photos of that party that I want to die. I’ve spent my whole day in bed playing video games and focusing on all the fun that I am not having currently. I feel like shit. Shelby’s going out tonight with Cameron, I’m gonna be all alone. Andrew went to the party. Thankfully I did not have to see any pictures of him. Literally would’ve died. I feel unproductive, unpopular, and unrescuable. I really desperately need something good to happen. There are eight days of school left before finals. I feel dead. I just can’t even fathom what a loser I am. Like, how is it even possible that I am this low? I can’t even put into words how I am feeling. So, I won’t waste anymore time with this nonsense. Let us all take a moment of silence and pray that I get a life soon.
Distractions
So, the purpose of this blog is so that in twenty years I won’t have forgotten my whole life, so I feel it is important to list some things that are important to me right now. I feel like my life is most reflected by the movies I am watching, so here they are, future self, in no particular order
- The Spectacular Now
- Stuck in Love
- The Bling Ring
- Palo Alto
- Dear Lemon Lima
- Triple Dog
- Ask me Anything
Please consider watching these movies, as they are a huge part of my life at the moment. Thank you.
On another note:
In Spanish, I overheard Julia M talking about Jillyan (I am pretty sure she noticed I was listening in but whatever). It seems to me that Julia is kind of moving into my previous level of friendship with Jillyan. I hope she doesn’t get majorly burnt like I did. Not the point. Anyways, she said that she got really pissed at Jillyan when she hung out with Andrew and that she was yelling at her and this is possibly a very good thing? I feel bad wanting her relationship to fail, but everyone knows that all they do is hurt each other, so I can only imagine she is not benefiting from him any more than he is from her. Elsa didn’t know who Andrew was, and Julia described him as “tall, douche bag, pothead”. I don’t think this is true. Whatever. The last time I talked to Andrew about Jillyan (probably 3 or 4 weeks ago), when they were not speaking and definitely broken up, he said that he would never get over her. He still had a box of her stuff under his bed, and whenever he felt sad he would take out the box and just stare at it. That made me so sad. I don’t want him to be sad. Ella’s party is tonight. I hope I find a really good distraction. Maybe I’ll watch another movie.
I saw that a few people read my last post. That is weird to me. If you are reading this, say hi. That would be nice. Have a nice day,
xx
Not Invited
So, this chick Ella that I went to preschool with is throwing a rager on Friday, like one of those super trippy things that everyone wears all white to so that they can use body paint and shit. From what I heard from Olivia, she invited just under 100 people and now over 150 are coming. I mean, sucks for her, but she probably should have expected it. Shelby’s really upset that she wasn’t invited because she is kinda sorta fake friends with Ella and Jillyan was invited so I mean rough. After everything happened with Jillyan, we have never been invited to a party that she was attending. Anyways, while I think it would be really cool to go to this party and get mad fucked up and possibly bang someone, I don’t really know Ella so I am not totally spazzing about not being invited. What does make me upset though, even though I have no right to be upset over it, is that Andrew is almost definitely going to go. He and Ella were really close friends (I don’t know how they are right now) and he generally goes to every party ever so he’ll probably go. I just can’t stop thinking about how he and Jillyan are probably going to hook up again oh my god it literally makes me sick thinking about it and I know I have no right but…. ughhhh… You know? I realize that if I went I almost definitely wouldn’t hang out with him and it would probably be worse being there while they hooked up so I guess it is good that I’m not going, but it is just kind of sad, heart breaking, actually. I am completely aware of how stupid this sounds, and future self reading this, please forgive me, but I feel like he is the first guy that I have ever really liked for legitimate reasons, the first person that I have ever really known, and still liked regardless. If I was to say my two other “relationships” up to this point, (more like mildly romantic endeavors), would be JT and Luis. JT was basically some middle school version of an arranged marriage, and while he was totally fun and great and everything, we never really were comfortable enough to talk to eachother alone or even kiss or anything (at the time I do not think I even had the mental capacity to handle that), so that was not a huge thing. With Luis, I met him at camp in a non-permanent setting, so there was no commitment, I only really liked him because he was hot and Spanish, he did not speak very much English (nor I Spanish), so we never really talked. Yes, we made out on the back porch one time and then we were considered “together” in camp terms so… whatever the fuck that means. If you combine the emotional and physical aspects of both of those relationships, I guess you would get something sort of okay but I mean.. With Andrew, I have known him for longer than the time I knew JT and Luis combined, I feel comfortable talking to him, he is nice to me (ish), and I think he is super hot. It is kind of like the best of both worlds *cue Hannah Montannah montage*. And I really do understand that in his eyes I am probably dirt and literally nothing, especially not a romantic interest, but I mean I’m okay with that-ish. I kind of do not want to go to camp in the hopes that he will realize he is in love with me magically during the summer, but I know that won’t happen. I need a rebound from a relationship that never existed. It has literally been so fucking depressing watching him flirt with all these people and be happy while I slump and hate my life and feel disgusting and worthless and ugh. I literally have been considering texting him and saying whoops wrong person just to start a conversation. I NEED TO GET OVER HIM, but I just can’t oh my god. In the mornings now, instead of standing with us, he has been sitting with Sophie, Taylor, and Julia SA which literally kills me. If he gets with Taylor there is a possibility I will die even more than I already have. Shelby and I keep getting invited to hang out with these guys, Max, Brendan, and Nick, who are all pretty gross (though Nick has the possibility of getting really attractive in the future) and we have been saying no but not even gonna lie I am definitely considering it this weekend if nothing else than just for a distraction from Andrew. I think I need serious mental help. I just can’t stop imagining him at this party… God save me.
Songs right now: All the World is All that is the Case -Parlovr
Mr. Brightside
Insensitive Incense
So I was at Shelby’s house yesterday, and I was in the middle of filming a short film. The film was going to include drug use, but I obviously was not going to use actual drugs for the making of the film.. that would be a dumb waste of time and money.. So, we used a vodka bottle and shot glasses of water for the alcohol aspect of the film. I also included cocaine, and to do this we used sugar and sucked it through a paper straw into our mouths, with the camera positioned so it looked like it was being snorted. While filming this, we noticed the paper straw looked like a blunt, and we decided we were going to try and fake some marijuana usage in the film. At first we both thought we were just going to use the paper and a vaporizer (the type used for colds, not weed) for the smoke. Eventually though, we realized that this look fake and terrible and Shelby had a genius idea. She decided to trim an incense stick, wrap it up in paper, tape the end, wet it, and light it, because that made it look like a real blunt without actual weed and it did not light us on fire, (though I admit I was definitely scared that it would at first). So I did a ton of shots with her “smoking” the little incense blunt thing, and after about a half an hour, the room was filled with smoke and smelt terrible so we decided to stop. Shelby even got to the point wear she learnt to do the cool little thing in which you breath out the little puffs of smoke and shit. Keep in mind, neither of us thought smoking incense was even a thing and we thought it was really funny that we were fake smoking and shit. Once we were done filming, we made a couple more blunts just because it was kind of fun and it was all a silly joke, it was literally completely innocent, and so I tried it too, and it was kinda fun and we pretended we were really cool and bad ass even though we weren’t actually smoking (or so we thought). We also were doing our best to not actually inhale any of the smoke just in case it was unsafe. After a while, it smelt really bad in the room so we stopped and cleaned up and lit candles to clear the smell and everything. Then, we went downstairs to get some more food. Both of us were getting really dizzy and we were literally seeing smoke everywhere even though it wasn’t there, but we literally thought there was a zero percent chance that we got high from smoking that, so the placebo effect kind of made it so we were pretty sure we weren’t high, even though it was super obvious we were. That was a run on sentence Jesus. Anyways by the time we dragged our asses to the bedroom I decided to google smoking incense just in case because I was a little paranoid about the whole thing. Well, in short, we found out that it was 100% possible that we were high from smoking that (which we were), in the morning we felt like complete shit and… yea. Well that was my first ever smoking experience. It is actually really sad that the first time I was ever really high was on accident… It’s a funny story to tell I guess. Also, I deleted all the smoking footage once I found out that incense smoking was an actual thing, which meant I also deleted half my other videos in a high, paranoid state. Yay incense, haha, crazy day.
I actually died
I was walking behind him today and he was talking to some junior and he was tickling her and laughing with her and then he walked her to class and opened the door and I actually, literally died. He is so perfect that I cannot even describe him. I do not know where this came from… Well, I do, but, ughhh. It is so strange that I could go from hating him to liking him this much in so little time.. He was so kind and helpful when I needed him and it was so unexpected and strange and it just made me feel safe and warm inside. Like instead of crying, I just curled up in a little ball of blankets and smiled. He said
Sh. Jeezus fucking christ I died. Someone please fucking shoot me because I do not know why I couldn’t handle that. He is the most deep and emotional person I know but i hated him for so long and so does everybody else I don’t even know. And shelby says that she’s fine with it but that she’ll always be in love with him so I don’t know…? And at first she told me I should tell him and go for it but I said I would never do that. However, now I am kind of having second thoughts and I really like him and I want to at least become better friends with him or something, but it would always be awkward with their history and stuff, and now she has been telling me to just get over him. It scares me because while I love her to death, there is something nagging me in the back of my mind, it’s called paranoia, and now I am convinced that they are hooking up without me knowing even though I know they aren’t? Like I literally need to pipe the fuck down but I can’t because I am honestly crazy jealous, and my face is so sunburnt I look like a financially unstable potato and I literally dig him so much!?!! I do not even want to get over him, I just want to love him and make him happy and gawd I need to stop. He is like the first real crush I have had all year and I think my bottled up feelings are just suddenly exploding like wtf. He helped me when I was weak and vulnerable so I am sure that is why I have clung onto the idea of him like this, and writing about it is definitely helping me realize this, it is just driving me crazy. I have been obsessed with Lana del Rey recently, and literally whenever I hear Video Games, American, National Anthem, Blue Jeans, or really anything else to be honest I think of him. The worst part is I can’t even obsess to Shelby about it because then it would be SUPER uncomfortable and I would hate putting her in that situation. Like you know, super awkward? and to be honest, it is kind of extremely embarassing that I am getting super obsessed with him and we rarely hang out, and we have never hung out alone. (always with shelby I know awkward right). Literally whyyyyy the whole situation makes me want to scream. I hate feeling like this, my emotions are fucking uncontrollable and I feel like a violated cow caught eating a hotdog and there is nothing I can do. I need to pray for myself. AND OH MY FUCKING GOD jillyan has been just spitting out all this bullshit about trying to make him jealous and shelby and i were eEXTREMELY MEAN TO HER because we used a fake number to text her and then I did his signature texting thing and she didn’t respond and now I feel like I have ruined her life like oh my gosh I am a terrible person even though she is significantly worse…So much stress over this. I’ve grown to like him so much in such little amount of time its actually mind-boggling. As in I want to jump out a window because i know i am being a RUDE, NAIVE, DUMB ASS HOE AND THAT I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. I ACTUALLY CANNOT HANDLE HOW MUCH I DISLIKE MYSELF BECAUSE OF THIS.
Woah
I have not used this blog in literally years. Hello. I am older and hopefully a tad bit more mature. I am currently at the end of my freshman year of high school. I was about to start writing a novel, but I am really only talking about my life anyway so why not do it on here? I gave my friend this blog once like a year ago but I highly doubt she ever looks at it seeings I have been absent so now I am just going to use this to either write about my day or random memories or feelings or anything. I don’t really even care. I super duper doubt anyone I know will ever find this so. It’s all good.
2014
It’s 2014, a new year and a fresh start. I’m pretty ready for 2013 to end, and I’m loving this fresh new start. Everyone seems to make resolutions at this time of year, but mine never actually come through, so I decided not to make any. Obviously, my biggest goal would be to not cut, but it seems a little optimistic and if I fail, I don’t want to get upset. While I was kinda sorta not really dating Justin, I didn’t cut for a whole MONTH. It was really amazing. But then everybody told me I was making it up in my head and I fell off the wagon. But it’s a new year, a fresh start, and all of that is behind me now, right? If Justin doesn’t like me, he doesn’t, and I’m just going to have to deal with it, right? And not by cutting, by something else. Running, drawing, writing..? Anything is possible, you know, it’s 2014
world war 3
everything. is. falling. apart.
bienvenido 