Distractions

So, the purpose of this blog is so that in twenty years I won’t have forgotten my whole life, so I feel it is important to list some things that are important to me right now. I feel like my life is most reflected by the movies I am watching, so here they are, future self, in no particular order

1. The Spectacular Now
2. Stuck in Love
3. The Bling Ring
4. Palo Alto
5. Dear Lemon Lima
6. Triple Dog
7. Ask me Anything

Please consider watching these movies, as they are a huge part of my life at the moment. Thank you.

On another note:

In Spanish, I overheard Julia M talking about Jillyan (I am pretty sure she noticed I was listening in but whatever). It seems to me that Julia is kind of moving into my previous level of friendship with Jillyan. I hope she doesn’t get majorly burnt like I did. Not the point. Anyways, she said that she got really pissed at Jillyan when she hung out with Andrew and that she was yelling at her and this is possibly a very good thing? I feel bad wanting her relationship to fail, but everyone knows that all they do is hurt each other, so I can only imagine she is not benefiting from him any more than he is from her. Elsa didn’t know who Andrew was, and Julia described him as “tall, douche bag, pothead”. I don’t think this is true. Whatever. The last time I talked to Andrew about Jillyan (probably 3 or 4 weeks ago), when they were not speaking and definitely broken up, he said that he would never get over her. He still had a box of her stuff under his bed, and whenever he felt sad he would take out the box and just stare at it. That made me so sad. I don’t want him to be sad. Ella’s party is tonight. I hope I find a really good distraction. Maybe I’ll watch another movie.

I saw that a few people read my last post. That is weird to me. If you are reading this, say hi. That would be nice. Have a nice day,

xx

Not Invited

So, this chick Ella that I went to preschool with is throwing a rager on Friday, like one of those super trippy things that everyone wears all white to so that they can use body paint and shit. From what I heard from Olivia, she invited just under 100 people and now over 150 are coming. I mean, sucks for her, but she probably should have expected it. Shelby’s really upset that she wasn’t invited because she is kinda sorta fake friends with Ella and Jillyan was invited so I mean rough. After everything happened with Jillyan, we have never been invited to a party that she was attending. Anyways, while I think it would be really cool to go to this party and get mad fucked up and possibly bang someone, I don’t really know Ella so I am not totally spazzing about not being invited. What does make me upset though, even though I have no right to be upset over it, is that Andrew is almost definitely going to go. He and Ella were really close friends (I don’t know how they are right now) and he generally goes to every party ever so he’ll probably go. I just can’t stop thinking about how he and Jillyan are probably going to hook up again oh my god it literally makes me sick thinking about it and I know I have no right but…. ughhhh… You know? I realize that if I went I almost definitely wouldn’t hang out with him and it would probably be worse being there while they hooked up so I guess it is good that I’m not going, but it is just kind of sad, heart breaking, actually. I am completely aware of how stupid this sounds, and future self reading this, please forgive me, but I feel like he is the first guy that I have ever really liked for legitimate reasons, the first person that I have ever really known, and still liked regardless. If I was to say my two other “relationships” up to this point, (more like mildly romantic endeavors), would be JT and Luis. JT was basically some middle school version of an arranged marriage, and while he was totally fun and great and everything, we never really were comfortable enough to talk to eachother alone or even kiss or anything (at the time I do not think I even had the mental capacity to handle that), so that was not a huge thing. With Luis, I met him at camp in a non-permanent setting, so there was no commitment, I only really liked him because he was hot and Spanish, he did not speak very much English (nor I Spanish), so we never really talked. Yes, we made out on the back porch one time and then we were considered “together” in camp terms so… whatever the fuck that means. If you combine the emotional and physical aspects of both of those relationships, I guess you would get something sort of okay but I mean.. With Andrew, I have known him for longer than the time I knew JT and Luis combined, I feel comfortable talking to him, he is nice to me (ish), and I think he is super hot. It is kind of like the best of both worlds *cue Hannah Montannah montage*. And I really do understand that in his eyes I am probably dirt and literally nothing, especially not a romantic interest, but I mean I’m okay with that-ish. I kind of do not want to go to camp in the hopes that he will realize he is in love with me magically during the summer, but I know that won’t happen. I need a rebound from a relationship that never existed. It has literally been so fucking depressing watching him flirt with all these people and be happy while I slump and hate my life and feel disgusting and worthless and ugh. I literally have been considering texting him and saying whoops wrong person just to start a conversation. I NEED TO GET OVER HIM, but I just can’t oh my god. In the mornings now, instead of standing with us, he has been sitting with Sophie, Taylor, and Julia SA which literally kills me. If he gets with Taylor there is a possibility I will die even more than I already have. Shelby and I keep getting invited to hang out with these guys, Max, Brendan, and Nick, who are all pretty gross (though Nick has the possibility of getting really attractive in the future) and we have been saying no but not even gonna lie I am definitely considering it this weekend if nothing else than just for a distraction from Andrew. I think I need serious mental help. I just can’t stop imagining him at this party… God save me.

 

Songs right now: All the World is All that is the Case -Parlovr

Mr. Brightside

Catching Up

Hello. Hmm. Well. I have not posted in a while, so I’ll start out with sorry. Noth that anyone cares, really. Alot of stuff has been happening. Not really. I made this list of people that I want to stop hating or vise versa. There are only ten names on it. But, I’ve been working hard. I had a text convo with Julie last night. I’ve been starting to wonder if I should start getting counseling for cutting. I talked to Jill about it, but she is beginning to think I’m just a bit overdramatic, so now i’m talking to shelby about it again because she goes to divorce counseling and is helping me out a lot with this. I still like Troy. Um apparently he’s liked me since February, which makes me happy. Though I doubt he still likes me, due to the fact he is too intimidated to speak to me in person… He’s the star of the soccer team; and Jill’s best friend since 2. She’s beenn trying to set us up. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready for a legitimate relationship at this point in time. On a different note, this other guy Skylar has been like harassing the heck out of me, as well as everyone else.. Last period today he was literally trying to steal myself which earned him a few kicks from my heeled boots. Remember grab-ass friday? Yea, back then I liked him. Ew. And he’s been making up all these names for troy’s you know what and like harassing me with it. The thing is, I don’t know how to explain Troy to you. Like he’s not your stereotypical macho soccer star, but he’s not the very cliche acts cool but is actually really emotional kid either. He is just troy. Actually, his real name isn’t Troy but. He acts awkward in public on purpose, but without trying too at the same time. He is like an amazing listener, even though he doesn’t always understand the point. He is nice to everyone, but he is definitely not popular. He is smart, but not really smart, and only smart because he studies. Is that really even smart? I don’t know! He is really brave about certain things, but a total coward at other times. He watches Breaking Bad like most boys do, but he also watches Glee because Jill and I love it. And so does he.. He’s really romantic, he was going to bring me chocolate and like a teddy bear the other week maybe.. but he didn’t because of his whole brave/coward thing. He is so easy to talk to, but so hard too at the same time. I just.. I can’t even.. ergh. Well I gtg, but thanks for catching up. He’s just.. ergh. He’s a pug. Awkwardly adorable pug.

Away

Broken heart symbol (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today I kind of sort of maybe ran away. But not really. I wanted to, to read my book, Love and other Perishable Items. However everyone in my home was rediong my brother’s room and jibber jabbering constantly. Just down the road there was a perfectly beautiful and peaceful graveyeard that woujld be perfect for reading but my mother said if I left the yard I would have to face some punishment. So I half ran away after involuntarily flipping out on my father. My yard, being in historical suburbia, is large enough to find good hiding places and safe havvens nestled deep within asweet old apple tree. There I read my book, got eaten by misquitoes and had the inevitable cry. Who could help it, given my situation?

I cried alot, about screaming at my parents, about my mildly depressing book, and about Gavin. I guess I never mentioned him to you before. He’s my best friend’s best guy friend, and they’ve known eachother since they were 2. She’s liked him periodically, obviously, but he liked me. And while that caused friend issues between me and her, she moved on and eventually began trying to set us up. However, I value true friendship over puny middle school crushes any day, so I would not give in to liking him, i cased it caused further problems with her. But he was so sweet and charming and nice to me, that my brain eventually shut the hell up and my heart told me to go for it. And then best friend #2 liked him. But anyways long story short he and I went out together twice but in groups and we texted all the time. Until recently, when I responded too much or something, and he stopped. I’m assuming he realized how worthless I was and gave up, but I don’t know. I don’t even have the guts to ask our mutual best friend if he still likes me. He liked me for 5 months. Any sane person by now would have left; but I guess that doesn’t make it hurt any less.