Hello. Hmm. Well. I have not posted in a while, so I’ll start out with sorry. Noth that anyone cares, really. Alot of stuff has been happening. Not really. I made this list of people that I want to stop hating or vise versa. There are only ten names on it. But, I’ve been working hard. I had a text convo with Julie last night. I’ve been starting to wonder if I should start getting counseling for cutting. I talked to Jill about it, but she is beginning to think I’m just a bit overdramatic, so now i’m talking to shelby about it again because she goes to divorce counseling and is helping me out a lot with this. I still like Troy. Um apparently he’s liked me since February, which makes me happy. Though I doubt he still likes me, due to the fact he is too intimidated to speak to me in person… He’s the star of the soccer team; and Jill’s best friend since 2. She’s beenn trying to set us up. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready for a legitimate relationship at this point in time. On a different note, this other guy Skylar has been like harassing the heck out of me, as well as everyone else.. Last period today he was literally trying to steal myself which earned him a few kicks from my heeled boots. Remember grab-ass friday? Yea, back then I liked him. Ew. And he’s been making up all these names for troy’s you know what and like harassing me with it. The thing is, I don’t know how to explain Troy to you. Like he’s not your stereotypical macho soccer star, but he’s not the very cliche acts cool but is actually really emotional kid either. He is just troy. Actually, his real name isn’t Troy but. He acts awkward in public on purpose, but without trying too at the same time. He is like an amazing listener, even though he doesn’t always understand the point. He is nice to everyone, but he is definitely not popular. He is smart, but not really smart, and only smart because he studies. Is that really even smart? I don’t know! He is really brave about certain things, but a total coward at other times. He watches Breaking Bad like most boys do, but he also watches Glee because Jill and I love it. And so does he.. He’s really romantic, he was going to bring me chocolate and like a teddy bear the other week maybe.. but he didn’t because of his whole brave/coward thing. He is so easy to talk to, but so hard too at the same time. I just.. I can’t even.. ergh. Well I gtg, but thanks for catching up. He’s just.. ergh. He’s a pug. Awkwardly adorable pug.
Today I kind of sort of maybe ran away. But not really. I wanted to, to read my book, Love and other Perishable Items. However everyone in my home was rediong my brother’s room and jibber jabbering constantly. Just down the road there was a perfectly beautiful and peaceful graveyeard that woujld be perfect for reading but my mother said if I left the yard I would have to face some punishment. So I half ran away after involuntarily flipping out on my father. My yard, being in historical suburbia, is large enough to find good hiding places and safe havvens nestled deep within asweet old apple tree. There I read my book, got eaten by misquitoes and had the inevitable cry. Who could help it, given my situation?
I cried alot, about screaming at my parents, about my mildly depressing book, and about Gavin. I guess I never mentioned him to you before. He’s my best friend’s best guy friend, and they’ve known eachother since they were 2. She’s liked him periodically, obviously, but he liked me. And while that caused friend issues between me and her, she moved on and eventually began trying to set us up. However, I value true friendship over puny middle school crushes any day, so I would not give in to liking him, i cased it caused further problems with her. But he was so sweet and charming and nice to me, that my brain eventually shut the hell up and my heart told me to go for it. And then best friend #2 liked him. But anyways long story short he and I went out together twice but in groups and we texted all the time. Until recently, when I responded too much or something, and he stopped. I’m assuming he realized how worthless I was and gave up, but I don’t know. I don’t even have the guts to ask our mutual best friend if he still likes me. He liked me for 5 months. Any sane person by now would have left; but I guess that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Hurt, pain. Guilt, blame. Every emotion feels the same.
Emotions had always hurt Ella. There was never one that did not bring her pain. Not everuone knew her secret, but it felt like they all did. What would they think of her? Would she ever be able to let her cruel, twisted emotions show? Ella only ever expressed herself through her music. She hoped that would be enough. But why, all of a sudden, did everyone seem deph?
She was drowning. 6 feet under emotional torcher. Buried alive. She was screaming, hoping, praying someone would care. Silence. That was the response she received.
Even her closest friends appeared blind and oblivious to her pains. If they ever noticed a mark on her skin, they already knew that it had to be the cat that attacked her.
Or was it Ella herself?
Was it her mind?
Was it society?
Could she ever be fixed?
No, Ella thought. Trust is like paper. Once it is crumpled, it can never be smoothed back to perfection again. Maybe it was just her emotions she couldn’t trust. Those cruel, twisted emotions. But who can trust them?
Cover of Before I FallViva la Vida or Death and All His Friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
What happened. When did everything change? I’m not sure if the change is good or bad. I’ve become pretty. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been betrayed. My castle stands upon pillars of sand. This is just my life. Viva La Vida. Maybe it’s just a metaphor, but metaphors are important.
“There’s not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans, and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you – they’re both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they’re cheering for you, and one day they will.”-Sue Sylvester
Sometimes things like that help. When you are feeling down, and such.
Nothing ever ends up how you think it will. But, it’s always darkest before the dawn. Sometimes, if you just hang in there, hold on for one more day, a day full of surprises and happiness awaits you. Sometimes, an even worse day will follow. You just have to remember that if there was no bad, we would know no good. Everything would just be neutral, and that could be even worse. Also remember: if you hurt yourself, you also hurt the people who were trying to protect you all along. If you feel like you are on the edge of suicide, read Lauren Oliver’s Before i Fall
I know viva la vida is about the french revolution, but I think it is also a good representation of human life. By the Spanish definition, viva la vida means “Live the Life.” Because, when all else fails what will we have? Our lives. Live it up, shake it off. You have this. If you are looking for a sign not to commit suicide, here it is. You have this. You will survive. Keep going. Just keep swimming.
Okay, this is just ridiculous. This holiday was created so perverted guys can be happy, and other girls can be sad. Getting slapped on the butt is like some twisted prom proposal: it’s embarassing if you don’t get slapped. All girls pretend that all they want is to avoid being slapped, and they act like it’s all perverted and whatever. And it is, and that’s how we should be feeling. BUT IT ISN’T. Secretly, under all our fakeness, we all want to be touched; not because we like to get sexual or whatever, but because it is a pride thing. Getting slapped means you are either really hot or really popular. All day, all I heard was “Have you got slapped yet?” NO! No I haven’t, thank you very much! Thank you, Miss Lauren for TOTALLY lowering my self-esteem! I mean, all us non-slapped girls might as well wear a sign on our head saying, HEY WORLD, I’M NOT SEXY. Seriously? And then, if by chance you are slapped, it’s custom to just SCREAM OF EXCITEDNESS! This guy slapped your butt! IT WAS NOT A WEDDING PROPOSAL. And then the naive little girls, they get a crush on the guy! In most cases, you are not even the first butt they squeezed! Calm down. Others feel that they are committed to liking the guy now. No. He was polite enough to publicly touch you and possibly embar-ass you in front of whoever. True love, right? No. And for the record, I was not touched. As much as I would love to strut pridefully at the end of the day and say I am just to bad-ass, I can’t. I HAVE BEEN PUBLICLY HUMILIATED. How fair is that? Online, all kinds of guys think I’m hot. But that is virtual, not real. I guess I’m just not attractive. HOnestly, I’ve always thought I was darn right gorgeous. I’m tall, skinny with small curves, blonde, and have bright green-blue eyes. Thank you grab-ass friday, I now feel like a ball of living shit, (not hot shit of course).
The funny about divorcing a friend is that when they do it to you, they are totally happy, but when you try and get rid of them, they pretty much would jump off a bridge to get you back. That’s pretty much what happened with me and Julie. She’s kind of a gossip, but she has always been there for me (sometimes) and we’ve been friends since last year. The only problem is that whenever we get into a fight she always manages to turn everything around and make it my fault. Like this time. She pretty much did her best to ignore me for a week and hang with this other girl Tayla. Tayla and I used to be best friends, but thats a whole different story. Anyways, she starts telling Tayla all her secrets and totally ignores me. I tell her she replaced me, and she wouldn’t buy it. Then Tayla told her all this crap about me, and Julie got pissed. So, Julie has once again pretended it was my fault and got mad at me. That’s why I cut it off and we got “divorced”, which in our world means legal mutual acquaintances; not friends but not enemies. Julie said that was okay, and that was cool by me. Our friendship never really “helped my happiness” anyway. But then yesterday she sent me this long-ass fb message that started with: “Okay I get you dont wanna be friends and stuff but I dont want that exactly.” After wards, she just listed every time I had ever been a bad friend. What? Is that how she plans to fix our divorce? She skipped school today because I did not respond. She tried to make me feel guilty, but trust me, I am not going to buy it again.
Hello guys, well. I doubt anyone will ever read this. That’s cool. Kind of preferrable actually. If you are reading this, that’s cool too. Maybe you understand my life more than I do. That would be radical. Anyways, I guess I created this as my diary. I’ve only ever failed at diaries in the past but maybe this will work out. That would be nice. Before you read all this and get all judgemental, I suggest you read about me in my page. So.. my first real entry will hopefully be posted tomorrow. Goodbye, diary.
bienvenido 